so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
