things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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