I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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