I think my fart just growled at me.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
