I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
