I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
