I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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