she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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