Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize