do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
