i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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