I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
