birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize