the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
