I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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