It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Why is your signature on my underwear?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
