Just cropdusted the office
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
