He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize