He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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