well I can't set my house on fire every night
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
