Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
