if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
