my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
