the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
