whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
