I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
