Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
