yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
