My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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