omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
