I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
