got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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