Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
