If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
