Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize