your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
