I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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