She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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