My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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