So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
