i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
being pregnant is like rehab
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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