you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
