Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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