21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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