Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize