This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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