Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
