In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
