Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
