Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
