don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
