Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
