when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
