My liver just broke up with me...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
