Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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