remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
