You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
