I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
