last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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