Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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