Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
