Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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